You have mail

Postroom: "Hello, we've got a large package for you."

AH: "OK, I'll come and get it. Whereabouts are you?"

Postroom: "The Postroom's in the other building, at the back of the building near Security."

AH: "Is it really big?"

Postroom: "The Postroom?"

AH: "Er, no...I meant the package."

No e-mail

JW:"Hello, helpdesk? When I was in Tanzania last week my Blackberry wouldn't work. I couldn't get to any e-mails."

Helpdesk:"The Blackberry devices rely on GPRS signals to send and receive e-mails. These only really work in the more built up areas of developed countries. Tanzania probably doesn't have a network that can support this for you. Infact even in the more rural areas of the UK it wouldn't work."

JW:"Well that's no good to me. I want a 3G 'phone instead."

Tumbleweed

HR was running a series of presentations about 'Equal Opportunities' and how it relates to our working lives. There are about 60 people from all over the organisation at one of the briefings when we are asked to contribute our thoughts.

FE: To the whole room "Where my mate works there's this guy that says things to his colleagues like 'I slept with you Mum last night'."

I don't feel so good

Anon didn't make it in to work on a certain Monday morning. On the Friday before they said this.

Anon: "If I take ecstacy on Saturday, I'm not coming in on Monday."

Delete? Y/N

PM: Calling IT support "Hi there, I wrote a new document and then closed it without saving it. Now tell me, do you have some sort of secret program that will get it back for me?"

The response given by GC is not recorded but you can bet it started with a suppressed smile.

I just called...

Customer: "Hello, helpdesk? Can you enable my mobile phone for me? It's locked and I can't use it."

Helpdesk: "We don't deal with the mobiles here but, if you give me the phone's number I can pass it on to the facilities department so they can get it going for you."

Customer: "Oh. I don't know the number. I found it on the bus this morning."

How the hell do these people get a PhD?

Herpes

We'd had a few drinks after work one Friday when a small group of American tourists came in. There were three girls and a guy, we soon got talking to them.

One of the girls was cornered at the bar by our very own GC, he was onto a loser because of the enormous coldsore he was growing. Her friend, sitting with me, was getting a bit worried that the drunken GC might try something so she asked me:

"What's you friend like? Is he OK?"

Me: "Oh, he's alright. If you don't mind his herpes and children."

She got up and rescued her friend PDQ.

Addendum: GC has asked me to point out that this event took place a few years ago and he's not like that anymore. Precious.

Apple pie

We'd had a few drinks after work one Friday when a small group of American tourists came in. There were three girls and a guy, we soon got talking to them.
This was shortly before Star Wars Episode One came out, we'd seen a pirated copy and were generally talking it down for the rubbish it is.

American guy: "Hey, you guys can't have seen it. It's not out over here yet."

TS: Very drunk by now "We saw it on pirate, you smug Yankee bastard."

If you think that's bad form, TS then went up to him, sniffed loudly and said: "Mmmm, mmm. Smells like apple pie."

Come to London, the locals are real friendly.

Got your number

TS calls directory enquiries...

DE: "Directory enquiries. What name please?"

TS: "My name is T*** S****."

DE: "No sir, what name do you want me to look up for you?"

Billy bullshit

Another contractor, TB, was always bragging about his motorbike and car, apparently he had a Jaguar.

He went to lunch one day leaving a paper open on his desk. He'd marked one of the adverts with an asterisk.

The ad read: "NEED A CAR BUT CAN'T GET CREDIT?"

I didn't do it

We lost the network connection between our two buildings. The helpdesk phones are going crazy and the network guys are stressing big time.

One of them, OA, is a bodybuilder and a seriously scary guy when he's upset. He traces the fault to one particular panel, when he enters the room he finds one of the desktop support contractors, AK, in there.

OA: Growling "Did you touch any of those cables at the bottom?"

AK: "Naw, naw, I only did the ones at the top."

OA: "Right, 'coz the ones at the top are the uplink to the other building. They're the reason we've got all this trouble."

AK: "Yeah, that's right. I only touched the ones at the bottom." His contract wasn't renewed

Run like the wind

AK: "I've got a mate that can run the 100 metres 2 seconds faster than the world record."

JC: Raised eyebrows "Really, is he a top sprinter then?"

AK: "Naw mate, he's a programmer." Piss off

Charity case

During a recent office move a server was misplaced. We donate old stuff to a charity...

AH: "Maybe it was given to that charity by mistake, 'Schools for Tools'."

Motivational speaking

Said to AH:
SG: "Can you run some user experience tests on that new bug fix? It'd great if you could 'coz your good at not knowing things."

AH: Seethes quietly.

Tone deaf

After being caught humming the theme to Superman.

TS: "That's my all time favourite piece of Star Wars music."

Wedded bliss

There is a certain type of woman who gets too serious, too soon. This was said about just such a person.

AN: "She's so desparate to get hitched, she'd marry a chair."

Job well done

Said to a woman in the finance dept.

AA: "There, that's your printer fixed. Now, how about a hug?"

Touchy-feely

A colleague of ours was a very tactile person. He was always going up to people and putting his hand on their arms or giving them a quick shoulder and neck rub. It made quite a few of us feel a little uncomfortable as we didn't know him that well.

His Grandmother died and he took some time off for the funeral. When he got back....

AK: "Hi mate, how did the service go."

AA: It's painfully obvious that this man is still grieving, he's not his usual self at all "OK, thanks. It was very quiet and serene, really moving."

AK: "Uh-huh, good, good...
...listen mate some of the guys really don't like you touching them."

He's the king of tact.

Point of no return

One of our longer term contractors had been asked to 'kick off an image' on a developer's PC. This entails using a piece of software to take a snapshot of the PC prior to making any amendments so you have a rollback option if it all goes wrong.

When asked to 'kick off an image' our friend translated this as 're-image that PC with a standard image, thereby wiping any data and hard fought configuration that the user had been building up over several months'.

GC: "Did you kick off that build on SG's PC?"

SS: "Huh? Yeah, yeah I did."

GC: "Good. Once it's finished we can install that new bloggs inc. software. If it screws up we can rollback to your image."

SS: Now, he's just realised what he's done and gets a little nervous. "I'll be back in a minute."

Don't embarass the staff dear

Said to an olive-skinned, twenty-something guy behind the sandwich counter:

AH: "I want a 6-inch Italian please." I wish you'd asked for a foot-long.