Thursday, September 20, 2007

Keep digging

Trying to reassure NJ.

CN: "No seriously, that dress is lovely."

pause

CN: "It shows off all your bits."

pause

CN: "It's clinging on for dear life."

Must run in the family

GC: "I saw my brother's and it's quite small."

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Coverage

MG: "What kind of satellite coverage do they get in Kilifi?"
PS: "I think you'll find satellite coverage is worldwide."
MB: "Yeah, they can get Sky."

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Recruitment

An agency contacts GC about a possible contractor and describes the guys best quality as:

"Geeky on the inside, smooth on the outside."

Monday, September 10, 2007

Rating

TS visits an analyst, DL, who is working with two monitors, remote controlling a customers PC.

A desktop picture is of three girls in a restaurant.

TS: pointing to each girl in turn "Would, Would, Wouldn't!"

DL: "Err, do you mind, that girl just happens to be my girlfriend!"

The penny drops as TS realises he's looking at the local PC's desktop.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Marching on

Talking about NJ's preference for men with deep tans.

AN: "If you like orange men, you should go to Belfast on 12th July."
NJ: "Why?"
AN: "For the march of the Orange-men."
NJ: "Is that a gay parade?"

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Competing

GC: "The sys dev team went running last week, they are getting fitter."

JH: "So you're going running today to keep up?"

GC: "Yes, need to keep fit. I'm worried if it came to a fight who would win, SysDev against CS."

JH: "Yep, we'd have a battle."

GC: "CS against Ops?"

JH: "Well, I know the outcome of that one - we would...lick...their...arses."

GC: shocked pause

JH: "...well, not literally."

Friday, August 10, 2007

References

CN details her previous work experience.

GH: "Why did you extend your contract?"

CN: "Well it keeps me off the streets."

Anti-thesis

Whilst listening to loud music outside the British Library.

GC: "They won't appreciate that in the library while they're trying to write their thesaurus…"

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Messy

GC: "Hi, how are you? You seem to have a stain on your shirt."
PMcL: "That was from my plums... it's plum juice."

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Bragging

TS: "Who do you think has a big custom dic?"

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Warming up

Said to GC.

JH: "Once you've had your oats, I'll be ready for you."

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Hands off

TC: "Don't go down my drawers without asking me."

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Carry on

LE: "Mmmm, what I really want is stuffing!"

Comedy

At the comedy store during an improv session.

Phil Jupitus: "Name me a country."

Audience: "Montenegro."

Phil Jupitus: "OK, and something that the Montenegrons do?"

HA: "Have to deal with Serbians."

Audience: Sharp intake of breath.

Phil Jupitus: Adjusts collar "Tough crowd,...another suggestion?"

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Smokin'

NR: "AH, you got a hot little arse!"

Subtle

Said to AH in a pub.
TSi had just sat next to her and started rubbing her back.

TSi: "I just wanna get laid by the end of the week. I don't care who it is, married or not."

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Face to face

AH: "P, why don't you join Facebook so we can all chat online?"

PH: "I don't think my wife would be happy after what happened last time I did something like that. Three days of pleasure, three years of pain."

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Default settings

AH: "Sorry, M, haven't had chance to reply to your email."
MSJ: "Don't worry, I can't remember what I asked you now, my brain resets itself every 10 days."

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Topper returns

EO: "My osteopath said to me:
'E, you've not got the biggest back muscles I've ever seen. I had a trapeze artist in here once who was slightly bigger than you. But you're big.' "

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Annoying contractor returns

AH: "Morning G, welcome back."
GG: winking "A! Looking gooooood, have you lost weight?"

Peacock

CN: "I like the way TS struts."

..and she's single now. Better watch out TS.

Friday, March 23, 2007

John's your uncle

GC: "You're all dressed in grey today. You look just like Bob Major."

TS: "Who? Who's Bob Major."

GC: "errrr……………..got to go……very busy."

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Dumb and dumber

Whilst filling out an induction form for the 183 building, AN decides to copy the information from another person's form.

2 minutes later he realises that at the line where he should write his name he has written the other person's name (TS).

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Freak weather

SA: "You had snow?"
SH: "Yeah."
SA: "What, on the ground?"

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Topper

EO: "When I had the kebab shop, the arm wrestling world champion came into the shop and I beat him."

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Tug of love

Talking about DFS Migration

SA: "How can we compare and pull off the information on permissions?"

"We bought a tool last year to pull off information."

"GH, do you have a tool we can use for pulling off?"

GH eyes closed, contented smile.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Smelly

MA was explaining the technicalities of the Unix NFS system, could not help make a note of a particular comment.

“You will need to sniff my ethereal dump.”

Toys

To SPN
AH: “Don’t be tempted to get it out and play with it while there’s no-one around.”

Monday, February 19, 2007

Woof

AH: "I'm a dog."

Monday, February 12, 2007

Clever

MSJ: "Hello, I'm working from home today and can't get into the system as my password's expired."

PC: "You need to reset your password and it needs to be made up of 8 characters."

MSJ: "OK, how about MENSA?"

PC: pause "Well that's only 5 characters."

MSJ: "Well, how about MENSA07?"

PC: pause "That's 7."

MSJ: "Oh."

Friday, February 09, 2007

Flushed

NJ: "I'm all about bowel movements."

Later that day.

NJ: "I try and go every morning, but sometimes I get the feeling I'm retaining."

Monday, February 05, 2007

Bootiful

Describing the rise and (probable) fall of Bernard Matthews

GC: "Did you know how he started out?"

S: "No."

GC: "He bought an incubator and 20 eggs, hatched them sold them… the rest is history."

S: "What? Did he just go to a supermarket and buy them then?"

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Abba

During an IT training course.

DW (male): "I can't cycle at the moment because I've torn some ligaments in my knee. I'm having an operation next week."

Trainer: "Oh, yes, that happened to my wife."

DW: "Really? Well, I bet she wasn't doing what I was doing when I did mine."

Trainer: "Oh, what were you doing"?

DW: "Pole dancing."

Trainer: "Ok, let's get back to Agresso Report Writer..."

Friday, January 05, 2007

Orientation

GC: “CN, which way shall I put it in? Face up or face down?”

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Liar, liar, pants on fire

AH: "You'd have to do more than just point your hose at it..."