Gulp

Talking about his package.
AN: "As long as PC swallows that, it'll be fine."

An MSI package, I hasten to add.

Snatch Attack

AH: "I've got Snatch Attack, would you like to see it?"
TC: "Err, no thanks."

Disappointingly, Snatch Attack turned out to be a game on her new mobile phone.

Oink

AN: “Speaking of pigs, my wife……………..”

Can't remember where I was going with that one but it can't have been good.

Pyjama Party

AH's daughter, KH, had two of her 5 year old friends round the other day and they were playing "sleepovers", all dressed up in pyjamas and tucked up in bed. One of the girls said:

"Let's pretend there are some boys coming over".

AH: "That's nice. Who's coming?"

"50 Cent and Eminem" she said

AH: "er…."

Poverty

Overheard on the bus today.

Opinionated American Woman: "Living above the poverty line is just as hard. I can't afford to go abroad this year."

Twiddling thumbs

PH: "To be honest, I often just make work for myself. No-one benefits from it but me"

It's what you do with it...

HA: "PC can you have a look at this for me?"

PC: "Looks to me like you have a size problem."

PC: "ha ha ha ha!"

Interview technique

Ben Shephard of GMTV, speaking to a family who are all blind for one reason or another, all sitting on the GMTV sofa with their guide dogs:

"Well, the dogs seem more excited than you lot to see themselves on TV"

Pudding

Lunch time in the staff restaurant.

PS: "Oh, they got a chocolate ring...I love a chocolate ring."
AN: "Especially doused in cream?"

A whole lot funnier if you know PS is gay.

Try something new

AH: "SA, is everything sorted out with the Image system now?"

SA: "Yes, but I'd still like to touch wood."

Hirsute

Giving her views on male genitalia.

AH: "Hairy is good."

Is she doing this on purpose?

SA: "Will you mention that new feature in the Monday Buzz meeting?"

GC: "If I remember."

SA: "Well if you don't I'll jerk you."

Why am I here?

RC: "Why do customers keep ringing me up every 5 minutes asking when their drives are going to be back up?"

GE: "Well, because that's your job."

Push

JH: "So how has your time in the new team been?"

MF: (heavily pregnant) "It's been a good experience and I've been stretched."

JH: "Well, you'll be stretched a bit more in a couple of months time!"

Agent Starling

Whilst making a joke about the prison interview scene in "Silence of the Lambs" the follwing quote was said just as the quotee came out of the lift and walked staright into the rather prim head of Systems Dev.

GC: "She makes me want to fling sperm all over her."

Can't somebody else do it?

RC is hovering by TS's desk, anxious hand over a CD.

RC: "I'm having a lot of trouble installing this update disk. Can you help?"

TS: "OK. What kind of install is it? Does it come as an MSI or legacy setup and what kind of problems have you been having with it?"

RC: "I don't know, I haven't opened the disk yet."

Office Romance

AH: "Yeh! I got shafted by SR a couple of times."

Trannies are us

Trying to explain that he would never sleep with a man.

AN: "I would sleep with a man as long as he looked just like a woman, had breasts and a vagina."

Film Buff

GC: "Who was the baddie in Dr. No?"

AN: "Errrr….Dr No"

Adoration

AN: "In case you didn't know GC is 40 in January."
DL (guy): "Wow, he looks real good for his age."

Any Excuse

PC: "My granddaughter is coming on holiday with us this year, she gets up so early, I don't know how I'll cope."

AH: "You'll have to get in some early nights."

PC: "Mmm, I know - that's what I said to Barry."

Ensign

JHo: "I'll have to wave it in front of RG first but, I'm sure he'll say yes."

Teechair's Pet II

Latest one from AH's daugther's school reading diary:
"KH wasn't sure of her sight words but tryed really hard"

Teechair's Pet

From AH's daughter's school reading diary, written by the student teacher:
"KH read well, didn't change her book because she doesn't no all her sight words."

Howzat

HA: "I'm playing cricket next week. I field but, I prefer to bat. There is nothing more satisfying than cracking one off."

Plums, bananas or cumquats?

SA: "You may want me to but, I'm not going to lick your fruit."

Fancy a change?

CO'G: "SA? Is that a man or woman?"

Aww, nuts

After JL describes, in great detail, how he prepares roasted peanuts by
using spices and oils.
PC: "Oh JL, I can just imagine how juicy your nuts taste."
Deathly silence ensues.........

Chariots

AH: "So, did you beat DL at squash?"
GC: "No, but I got him in the arse a couple of times."

O

Said to her colleague, RC, in the office.

 

PC: "Can you keep your feet still, the floor's shaking. It feels like I'm on a vibrator."

Snooze

RC: "Isn't it great having no Team Leaders here? You can actually get something done for a change."

Pause

RC: "SH, if I give you a tenner, can I have a 3 hour lunch?"

Horror-scope

TC reads a lot of trashy papers and magazines, like Hello, OK and The Sun.

 

TC: "Well the pills don't agree with me, I'm getting pins and needles in my arms. I've printed out the list of possible side effects and I'm going to see the occupational nurse."

 

SW: "The occupational nurse? Aren't you better off reading your star sign in the Sun to find out what's wrong?"

 

Mmmmm cakes

Contractor: "JH, I brought in some cakes for everyone this morning"

 

JH: "Oh, that's nice, I didn't know they were there."

 

RC overheard this: "Oh, er, yes, I've been so busy I er, forgot to, um, send the email round"

 

JH to contractor: "You want to watch this one, he'll eat them all if you're not careful."

 

RC is about 320lb.

Ooops

Upon seeing a five year old kid in a pushchair who was easily old enough to walk.

 

AN: "I sure hope that kid is disabled."  

Can you fix everything?

Customer: "Ah, hello Computer Helpdesk?"

 

GC: "Yes. How can I help you?"

 

Customer: "The lifts on the far end of the building aren't working. Can you send someone out to fix them?"

Flex

HA: "Did you miss me?"

PC: "I really missed your muscle!"

HA: "That's what all the ladies say."

 

HA and PC are colleagues. PC has back trouble and can't lift any PCs etc.

Personal space

Talking to the team about the use of pen drives.

JH: "If you are invading anyone's space with a device it's common courtesy to let them know when you are removing it."

Attention grabber

When asked by one of her new staff about how they should approach her for advice this was the reply.

JH: "If you really don't know what to do with it, come over to me and wave it in my face."

Mwaaa

Two guys having a chat in the office:

DB: "Stop being so homophobic."

GC: "I'm not homophobic. I like being kissed..."

Magical wireless networks

Visitor: "I'm having great problems getting onto your wireless network."

GC: "Everything seems to be OK on the network but I've just noticed you don't seem to have a wireless card in your laptop."

Visitor: Getting indignant now "Well I don't need one at home, I just plug in the wire and....oh!"

Sushi

Browsing a web page on how to make Sushi

GC: "I love Sushi, not sure about boiled octopus though..."
TS: "I can just imagine it being overcooked, it would taste rubbery."

Pause

TS: "No, no, I'm not making fun of the Japanese accent."