John's your uncle

GC: "You're all dressed in grey today. You look just like Bob Major."

TS: "Who? Who's Bob Major."

GC: "errrr……………..got to go……very busy."

Dumb and dumber

Whilst filling out an induction form for the 183 building, AN decides to copy the information from another person's form.

2 minutes later he realises that at the line where he should write his name he has written the other person's name (TS).

Freak weather

SA: "You had snow?"
SH: "Yeah."
SA: "What, on the ground?"

Topper

EO: "When I had the kebab shop, the arm wrestling world champion came into the shop and I beat him."

Tug of love

Talking about DFS Migration

SA: "How can we compare and pull off the information on permissions?"

"We bought a tool last year to pull off information."

"GH, do you have a tool we can use for pulling off?"

GH eyes closed, contented smile.

Smelly

MA was explaining the technicalities of the Unix NFS system, could not help make a note of a particular comment.

“You will need to sniff my ethereal dump.”

Toys

To SPN
AH: “Don’t be tempted to get it out and play with it while there’s no-one around.”

Woof

AH: "I'm a dog."

Clever

MSJ: "Hello, I'm working from home today and can't get into the system as my password's expired."

PC: "You need to reset your password and it needs to be made up of 8 characters."

MSJ: "OK, how about MENSA?"

PC: pause "Well that's only 5 characters."

MSJ: "Well, how about MENSA07?"

PC: pause "That's 7."

MSJ: "Oh."

Flushed

NJ: "I'm all about bowel movements."

Later that day.

NJ: "I try and go every morning, but sometimes I get the feeling I'm retaining."

Bootiful

Describing the rise and (probable) fall of Bernard Matthews

GC: "Did you know how he started out?"

S: "No."

GC: "He bought an incubator and 20 eggs, hatched them sold them… the rest is history."

S: "What? Did he just go to a supermarket and buy them then?"

Abba

During an IT training course.

DW (male): "I can't cycle at the moment because I've torn some ligaments in my knee. I'm having an operation next week."

Trainer: "Oh, yes, that happened to my wife."

DW: "Really? Well, I bet she wasn't doing what I was doing when I did mine."

Trainer: "Oh, what were you doing"?

DW: "Pole dancing."

Trainer: "Ok, let's get back to Agresso Report Writer..."

Orientation

GC: “CN, which way shall I put it in? Face up or face down?”

Liar, liar, pants on fire

AH: "You'd have to do more than just point your hose at it..."

Gulp

Talking about his package.
AN: "As long as PC swallows that, it'll be fine."

An MSI package, I hasten to add.

Snatch Attack

AH: "I've got Snatch Attack, would you like to see it?"
TC: "Err, no thanks."

Disappointingly, Snatch Attack turned out to be a game on her new mobile phone.

Oink

AN: “Speaking of pigs, my wife……………..”

Can't remember where I was going with that one but it can't have been good.

Pyjama Party

AH's daughter, KH, had two of her 5 year old friends round the other day and they were playing "sleepovers", all dressed up in pyjamas and tucked up in bed. One of the girls said:

"Let's pretend there are some boys coming over".

AH: "That's nice. Who's coming?"

"50 Cent and Eminem" she said

AH: "er…."

Poverty

Overheard on the bus today.

Opinionated American Woman: "Living above the poverty line is just as hard. I can't afford to go abroad this year."

Twiddling thumbs

PH: "To be honest, I often just make work for myself. No-one benefits from it but me"