I didn't do it

We lost the network connection between our two buildings. The helpdesk phones are going crazy and the network guys are stressing big time.

One of them, OA, is a bodybuilder and a seriously scary guy when he's upset. He traces the fault to one particular panel, when he enters the room he finds one of the desktop support contractors, AK, in there.

OA: Growling "Did you touch any of those cables at the bottom?"

AK: "Naw, naw, I only did the ones at the top."

OA: "Right, 'coz the ones at the top are the uplink to the other building. They're the reason we've got all this trouble."

AK: "Yeah, that's right. I only touched the ones at the bottom." His contract wasn't renewed

Run like the wind

AK: "I've got a mate that can run the 100 metres 2 seconds faster than the world record."

JC: Raised eyebrows "Really, is he a top sprinter then?"

AK: "Naw mate, he's a programmer." Piss off

Touchy-feely

A colleague of ours was a very tactile person. He was always going up to people and putting his hand on their arms or giving them a quick shoulder and neck rub. It made quite a few of us feel a little uncomfortable as we didn't know him that well.

His Grandmother died and he took some time off for the funeral. When he got back....

AK: "Hi mate, how did the service go."

AA: It's painfully obvious that this man is still grieving, he's not his usual self at all "OK, thanks. It was very quiet and serene, really moving."

AK: "Uh-huh, good, good...
...listen mate some of the guys really don't like you touching them."

He's the king of tact.