Rating

TS visits an analyst, DL, who is working with two monitors, remote controlling a customers PC.

A desktop picture is of three girls in a restaurant.

TS: pointing to each girl in turn "Would, Would, Wouldn't!"

DL: "Err, do you mind, that girl just happens to be my girlfriend!"

The penny drops as TS realises he's looking at the local PC's desktop.

Bragging

TS: "Who do you think has a big custom dic?"

Peacock

CN: "I like the way TS struts."

..and she's single now. Better watch out TS.

John's your uncle

GC: "You're all dressed in grey today. You look just like Bob Major."

TS: "Who? Who's Bob Major."

GC: "errrr……………..got to go……very busy."

Dumb and dumber

Whilst filling out an induction form for the 183 building, AN decides to copy the information from another person's form.

2 minutes later he realises that at the line where he should write his name he has written the other person's name (TS).

Poverty

Overheard on the bus today.

Opinionated American Woman: "Living above the poverty line is just as hard. I can't afford to go abroad this year."

Can't somebody else do it?

RC is hovering by TS's desk, anxious hand over a CD.

RC: "I'm having a lot of trouble installing this update disk. Can you help?"

TS: "OK. What kind of install is it? Does it come as an MSI or legacy setup and what kind of problems have you been having with it?"

RC: "I don't know, I haven't opened the disk yet."

Sushi

Browsing a web page on how to make Sushi

GC: "I love Sushi, not sure about boiled octopus though..."
TS: "I can just imagine it being overcooked, it would taste rubbery."

Pause

TS: "No, no, I'm not making fun of the Japanese accent."

Smokin'

It was the birthday of one of my close colleagues today so a few of us went out for a pint or two a lunch time. As we were sitting around the table the conversation got on to the current political debate about banning smoking in public places.

No one at the table smokes now but most of us used to, except for TS.

"I used to smoke 60 a day," said SR.

"I started on those little 'Tom Thumb' cigars when I was 14 but I haven't smoked for ages now." I said.

NR chimed in with "I used to smoke a pipe."

...and so it went on until TS, who looked thoughtful for a few seconds says, "So, you ALL used to smoke, I've never smoked in my life but I'm the only one who's had fucking cancer."

Snack attack

TS: "Let's have some of your healthy food?"

DB: "Sure, help yourself."

TS: "Hmm, actually, I'm not so sure. With your personal hygiene I may catch something by putting your nuts in my mouth."

Hey there

TS walks into a pub, after a few beers at the staff bar. He wasn't that drunk but tripped over his own feet anyway.

He pirouettes to the bar, slips along it spinning all the way before coming to a stop next to a group of women. He's facing away from the bar with both his elbows leaning on the counter, looking for all the world like he'd planned that little acrobatic entrance to get everyone's attention.

TS: To the surprised woman standing next to him. "What's your name girly-girl?"

Way to go Fonzie.

Conversation killer

ZB, a South African contractor, and TS were talking to a couple of Australian girls they'd bumped into at the pub. Things were going really well until:

ZB: Very casually. "So, do you two girls use double-ended dildos or what?"

TS gave up and walked away but ZB stuck it out for another hour.

Apple pie

We'd had a few drinks after work one Friday when a small group of American tourists came in. There were three girls and a guy, we soon got talking to them.
This was shortly before Star Wars Episode One came out, we'd seen a pirated copy and were generally talking it down for the rubbish it is.

American guy: "Hey, you guys can't have seen it. It's not out over here yet."

TS: Very drunk by now "We saw it on pirate, you smug Yankee bastard."

If you think that's bad form, TS then went up to him, sniffed loudly and said: "Mmmm, mmm. Smells like apple pie."

Come to London, the locals are real friendly.

Got your number

TS calls directory enquiries...

DE: "Directory enquiries. What name please?"

TS: "My name is T*** S****."

DE: "No sir, what name do you want me to look up for you?"

Tone deaf

After being caught humming the theme to Superman.

TS: "That's my all time favourite piece of Star Wars music."