Must run in the family

GC: "I saw my brother's and it's quite small."

Recruitment

An agency contacts GC about a possible contractor and describes the guys best quality as:

"Geeky on the inside, smooth on the outside."

Competing

GC: "The sys dev team went running last week, they are getting fitter."

JH: "So you're going running today to keep up?"

GC: "Yes, need to keep fit. I'm worried if it came to a fight who would win, SysDev against CS."

JH: "Yep, we'd have a battle."

GC: "CS against Ops?"

JH: "Well, I know the outcome of that one - we would...lick...their...arses."

GC: shocked pause

JH: "...well, not literally."

Anti-thesis

Whilst listening to loud music outside the British Library.

GC: "They won't appreciate that in the library while they're trying to write their thesaurus…"

Messy

GC: "Hi, how are you? You seem to have a stain on your shirt."
PMcL: "That was from my plums... it's plum juice."

Warming up

Said to GC.

JH: "Once you've had your oats, I'll be ready for you."

John's your uncle

GC: "You're all dressed in grey today. You look just like Bob Major."

TS: "Who? Who's Bob Major."

GC: "errrr……………..got to go……very busy."

Bootiful

Describing the rise and (probable) fall of Bernard Matthews

GC: "Did you know how he started out?"

S: "No."

GC: "He bought an incubator and 20 eggs, hatched them sold them… the rest is history."

S: "What? Did he just go to a supermarket and buy them then?"

Orientation

GC: “CN, which way shall I put it in? Face up or face down?”

Is she doing this on purpose?

SA: "Will you mention that new feature in the Monday Buzz meeting?"

GC: "If I remember."

SA: "Well if you don't I'll jerk you."

Agent Starling

Whilst making a joke about the prison interview scene in "Silence of the Lambs" the follwing quote was said just as the quotee came out of the lift and walked staright into the rather prim head of Systems Dev.

GC: "She makes me want to fling sperm all over her."

Film Buff

GC: "Who was the baddie in Dr. No?"

AN: "Errrr….Dr No"

Chariots

AH: "So, did you beat DL at squash?"
GC: "No, but I got him in the arse a couple of times."

Can you fix everything?

Customer: "Ah, hello Computer Helpdesk?"

 

GC: "Yes. How can I help you?"

 

Customer: "The lifts on the far end of the building aren't working. Can you send someone out to fix them?"

Mwaaa

Two guys having a chat in the office:

DB: "Stop being so homophobic."

GC: "I'm not homophobic. I like being kissed..."

Magical wireless networks

Visitor: "I'm having great problems getting onto your wireless network."

GC: "Everything seems to be OK on the network but I've just noticed you don't seem to have a wireless card in your laptop."

Visitor: Getting indignant now "Well I don't need one at home, I just plug in the wire and....oh!"

Sushi

Browsing a web page on how to make Sushi

GC: "I love Sushi, not sure about boiled octopus though..."
TS: "I can just imagine it being overcooked, it would taste rubbery."

Pause

TS: "No, no, I'm not making fun of the Japanese accent."

Delete? Y/N

PM: Calling IT support "Hi there, I wrote a new document and then closed it without saving it. Now tell me, do you have some sort of secret program that will get it back for me?"

The response given by GC is not recorded but you can bet it started with a suppressed smile.

Herpes

We'd had a few drinks after work one Friday when a small group of American tourists came in. There were three girls and a guy, we soon got talking to them.

One of the girls was cornered at the bar by our very own GC, he was onto a loser because of the enormous coldsore he was growing. Her friend, sitting with me, was getting a bit worried that the drunken GC might try something so she asked me:

"What's you friend like? Is he OK?"

Me: "Oh, he's alright. If you don't mind his herpes and children."

She got up and rescued her friend PDQ.

Addendum: GC has asked me to point out that this event took place a few years ago and he's not like that anymore. Precious.

Point of no return

One of our longer term contractors had been asked to 'kick off an image' on a developer's PC. This entails using a piece of software to take a snapshot of the PC prior to making any amendments so you have a rollback option if it all goes wrong.

When asked to 'kick off an image' our friend translated this as 're-image that PC with a standard image, thereby wiping any data and hard fought configuration that the user had been building up over several months'.

GC: "Did you kick off that build on SG's PC?"

SS: "Huh? Yeah, yeah I did."

GC: "Good. Once it's finished we can install that new bloggs inc. software. If it screws up we can rollback to your image."

SS: Now, he's just realised what he's done and gets a little nervous. "I'll be back in a minute."