Stuff

We're sitting around at lunch when GH blurts out that he had a great time with his wife last night because he gave her a diamond ring. Not sure why he chose to share this with us but...

GH: "I gave my wife a diamond ring last night. I had all my sexual fantasies fulfilled in one evening."

AH looks a little shell-shocked before saying. "I like getting jewellery from my husband but it wouldn't make me do.......stuff."

Smokin'

It was the birthday of one of my close colleagues today so a few of us went out for a pint or two a lunch time. As we were sitting around the table the conversation got on to the current political debate about banning smoking in public places.

No one at the table smokes now but most of us used to, except for TS.

"I used to smoke 60 a day," said SR.

"I started on those little 'Tom Thumb' cigars when I was 14 but I haven't smoked for ages now." I said.

NR chimed in with "I used to smoke a pipe."

...and so it went on until TS, who looked thoughtful for a few seconds says, "So, you ALL used to smoke, I've never smoked in my life but I'm the only one who's had fucking cancer."

Fancy a curry?

AH: "Are you feeling better from last week?"

SR: "Yes, thanks."

AH: "What was wrong anyway? A cold?"

SR: "No, I had an anal fistula that needed draining."

AH: "..."

Snack attack

TS: "Let's have some of your healthy food?"

DB: "Sure, help yourself."

TS: "Hmm, actually, I'm not so sure. With your personal hygiene I may catch something by putting your nuts in my mouth."

My kind of meeting

At a meeting about databases n' stuff like that between NR and 3 female colleagues.

AH: "So how would we manage to include that feature?"

NR: "Maybe we could use a strap-on."

Hey there

TS walks into a pub, after a few beers at the staff bar. He wasn't that drunk but tripped over his own feet anyway.

He pirouettes to the bar, slips along it spinning all the way before coming to a stop next to a group of women. He's facing away from the bar with both his elbows leaning on the counter, looking for all the world like he'd planned that little acrobatic entrance to get everyone's attention.

TS: To the surprised woman standing next to him. "What's your name girly-girl?"

Way to go Fonzie.

Conversation killer

ZB, a South African contractor, and TS were talking to a couple of Australian girls they'd bumped into at the pub. Things were going really well until:

ZB: Very casually. "So, do you two girls use double-ended dildos or what?"

TS gave up and walked away but ZB stuck it out for another hour.

What does that mean?

This happened about 10 years ago.
At the time MK was a woman of about 60 and weighed about 22 stone (300 pounds.

MK: To the whole office one Monday morning. "I had a 'phone call last night. I didn't recognise the voice but he said: 'Do you like anal sex?'. Well, I didn't know what he meant so I asked him to explain. It was very rude but I learned three new words for penis."

Shameless

ML: Makes a quick call on his mobile. "Hi, its me. I just thought we'd go gruuunt through the **** project stuff briefly. Can you give me hrugnh a quick rundown? I just wanted grummph to make sure...... blah blah blah."

I was in the toilet cubicle next door. Surely no one is *that* busy?

Fruity

SR keeps a big bowl of fresh fruit near his desk.

JH: "Oooh, look at all that fruit."

SR: "You're welcome to some if you want, put one of my plums in your mouth."

What a relief

SA: "We will have a contractor in the office for the next two weeks. He will be relieving GE".

ALL: Laughter

SA: Trying to rescue the situation "I should actually say he will be backfilling GE."

ALL: Hysterical laughter

GE: "I do not want to be relieved or backfilled!"

You have mail

Postroom: "Hello, we've got a large package for you."

AH: "OK, I'll come and get it. Whereabouts are you?"

Postroom: "The Postroom's in the other building, at the back of the building near Security."

AH: "Is it really big?"

Postroom: "The Postroom?"

AH: "Er, no...I meant the package."

No e-mail

JW:"Hello, helpdesk? When I was in Tanzania last week my Blackberry wouldn't work. I couldn't get to any e-mails."

Helpdesk:"The Blackberry devices rely on GPRS signals to send and receive e-mails. These only really work in the more built up areas of developed countries. Tanzania probably doesn't have a network that can support this for you. Infact even in the more rural areas of the UK it wouldn't work."

JW:"Well that's no good to me. I want a 3G 'phone instead."

Tumbleweed

HR was running a series of presentations about 'Equal Opportunities' and how it relates to our working lives. There are about 60 people from all over the organisation at one of the briefings when we are asked to contribute our thoughts.

FE: To the whole room "Where my mate works there's this guy that says things to his colleagues like 'I slept with you Mum last night'."

I don't feel so good

Anon didn't make it in to work on a certain Monday morning. On the Friday before they said this.

Anon: "If I take ecstacy on Saturday, I'm not coming in on Monday."

Delete? Y/N

PM: Calling IT support "Hi there, I wrote a new document and then closed it without saving it. Now tell me, do you have some sort of secret program that will get it back for me?"

The response given by GC is not recorded but you can bet it started with a suppressed smile.

I just called...

Customer: "Hello, helpdesk? Can you enable my mobile phone for me? It's locked and I can't use it."

Helpdesk: "We don't deal with the mobiles here but, if you give me the phone's number I can pass it on to the facilities department so they can get it going for you."

Customer: "Oh. I don't know the number. I found it on the bus this morning."

How the hell do these people get a PhD?

Herpes

We'd had a few drinks after work one Friday when a small group of American tourists came in. There were three girls and a guy, we soon got talking to them.

One of the girls was cornered at the bar by our very own GC, he was onto a loser because of the enormous coldsore he was growing. Her friend, sitting with me, was getting a bit worried that the drunken GC might try something so she asked me:

"What's you friend like? Is he OK?"

Me: "Oh, he's alright. If you don't mind his herpes and children."

She got up and rescued her friend PDQ.

Addendum: GC has asked me to point out that this event took place a few years ago and he's not like that anymore. Precious.

Apple pie

We'd had a few drinks after work one Friday when a small group of American tourists came in. There were three girls and a guy, we soon got talking to them.
This was shortly before Star Wars Episode One came out, we'd seen a pirated copy and were generally talking it down for the rubbish it is.

American guy: "Hey, you guys can't have seen it. It's not out over here yet."

TS: Very drunk by now "We saw it on pirate, you smug Yankee bastard."

If you think that's bad form, TS then went up to him, sniffed loudly and said: "Mmmm, mmm. Smells like apple pie."

Come to London, the locals are real friendly.

Got your number

TS calls directory enquiries...

DE: "Directory enquiries. What name please?"

TS: "My name is T*** S****."

DE: "No sir, what name do you want me to look up for you?"

Billy bullshit

Another contractor, TB, was always bragging about his motorbike and car, apparently he had a Jaguar.

He went to lunch one day leaving a paper open on his desk. He'd marked one of the adverts with an asterisk.

The ad read: "NEED A CAR BUT CAN'T GET CREDIT?"

I didn't do it

We lost the network connection between our two buildings. The helpdesk phones are going crazy and the network guys are stressing big time.

One of them, OA, is a bodybuilder and a seriously scary guy when he's upset. He traces the fault to one particular panel, when he enters the room he finds one of the desktop support contractors, AK, in there.

OA: Growling "Did you touch any of those cables at the bottom?"

AK: "Naw, naw, I only did the ones at the top."

OA: "Right, 'coz the ones at the top are the uplink to the other building. They're the reason we've got all this trouble."

AK: "Yeah, that's right. I only touched the ones at the bottom." His contract wasn't renewed

Run like the wind

AK: "I've got a mate that can run the 100 metres 2 seconds faster than the world record."

JC: Raised eyebrows "Really, is he a top sprinter then?"

AK: "Naw mate, he's a programmer." Piss off

Charity case

During a recent office move a server was misplaced. We donate old stuff to a charity...

AH: "Maybe it was given to that charity by mistake, 'Schools for Tools'."

Motivational speaking

Said to AH:
SG: "Can you run some user experience tests on that new bug fix? It'd great if you could 'coz your good at not knowing things."

AH: Seethes quietly.

Tone deaf

After being caught humming the theme to Superman.

TS: "That's my all time favourite piece of Star Wars music."

Wedded bliss

There is a certain type of woman who gets too serious, too soon. This was said about just such a person.

AN: "She's so desparate to get hitched, she'd marry a chair."

Job well done

Said to a woman in the finance dept.

AA: "There, that's your printer fixed. Now, how about a hug?"

Touchy-feely

A colleague of ours was a very tactile person. He was always going up to people and putting his hand on their arms or giving them a quick shoulder and neck rub. It made quite a few of us feel a little uncomfortable as we didn't know him that well.

His Grandmother died and he took some time off for the funeral. When he got back....

AK: "Hi mate, how did the service go."

AA: It's painfully obvious that this man is still grieving, he's not his usual self at all "OK, thanks. It was very quiet and serene, really moving."

AK: "Uh-huh, good, good...
...listen mate some of the guys really don't like you touching them."

He's the king of tact.

Point of no return

One of our longer term contractors had been asked to 'kick off an image' on a developer's PC. This entails using a piece of software to take a snapshot of the PC prior to making any amendments so you have a rollback option if it all goes wrong.

When asked to 'kick off an image' our friend translated this as 're-image that PC with a standard image, thereby wiping any data and hard fought configuration that the user had been building up over several months'.

GC: "Did you kick off that build on SG's PC?"

SS: "Huh? Yeah, yeah I did."

GC: "Good. Once it's finished we can install that new bloggs inc. software. If it screws up we can rollback to your image."

SS: Now, he's just realised what he's done and gets a little nervous. "I'll be back in a minute."

Don't embarass the staff dear

Said to an olive-skinned, twenty-something guy behind the sandwich counter:

AH: "I want a 6-inch Italian please." I wish you'd asked for a foot-long.

I'm not as thunk as you drink I am

It's the first week of my new contract and I've been for pint or five with the boys and girls. My new boss is a little unsteady on her feet so, I help out by holding her up. I'm trying to make it very apparent that I'm not copping a feel and so it really looks like what it was: I'm propping up a drunk.

LM: "Don't hold me that way. You're making me look drunk." She was out of her fucking skull.

I let go of her and she immediately starts to sidestep, gaining momentum until she crashes into a shop's plate glass window. For a second we all think she going to go through it but, luckily she slides down and slumps on the floor. Now she can't find the coordination to get up so, I have to carry her back to her train.

I somehow get her home number out of her and call her husband. I'm not sure he believed me.

Where's my coat gone?

An after work drink and curry is cut short for our hero when he doesn't feel too well.
He left us at about 8ish. He remembers getting on the tube and making his way to the exit barrier, after that....

SS: "...and then I woke up in hospital."

Please remember to drink responsibly people.

Take your pick

GC: "I'd do both of them but I think ** would be easier."

If you have to ask what he's talking about, then you're too young to know.

You look familiar

In the queue at the work restaurant

A M-L: "If you notice me smiling at you it's because you remind me of my Doctor."
Me: "Oh." What else do you say to that?
A M-L: "So don't be surprised if you see me take my kit off and get up on the counter."
GC: Sniggers behind his hand.

In the gym

SR: "You should come running with us instead of on the treadmill."
LM: "No, I can't go running in this."
Me: "Why not, he goes out looking like that."
SR: (wearing blue shorts and t-shirt) "Yes, I'm little boy blue. Come blow my horn."

Why did it go so quiet after that?

Rub it like this

Showing a customer how to use her newly installed trackball style mouse.

A M-L: "The way you're doing that reminds me of clitoral stimulation."
Me: "Well, it all seems fine. Give the helpdesk a call if you have any problems." Run, Forrest, run.