Ensign

JHo: "I'll have to wave it in front of RG first but, I'm sure he'll say yes."

Teechair's Pet II

Latest one from AH's daugther's school reading diary:
"KH wasn't sure of her sight words but tryed really hard"

Teechair's Pet

From AH's daughter's school reading diary, written by the student teacher:
"KH read well, didn't change her book because she doesn't no all her sight words."

Howzat

HA: "I'm playing cricket next week. I field but, I prefer to bat. There is nothing more satisfying than cracking one off."

Plums, bananas or cumquats?

SA: "You may want me to but, I'm not going to lick your fruit."

Fancy a change?

CO'G: "SA? Is that a man or woman?"

Aww, nuts

After JL describes, in great detail, how he prepares roasted peanuts by
using spices and oils.
PC: "Oh JL, I can just imagine how juicy your nuts taste."
Deathly silence ensues.........

Chariots

AH: "So, did you beat DL at squash?"
GC: "No, but I got him in the arse a couple of times."

O

Said to her colleague, RC, in the office.

 

PC: "Can you keep your feet still, the floor's shaking. It feels like I'm on a vibrator."

Snooze

RC: "Isn't it great having no Team Leaders here? You can actually get something done for a change."

Pause

RC: "SH, if I give you a tenner, can I have a 3 hour lunch?"

Horror-scope

TC reads a lot of trashy papers and magazines, like Hello, OK and The Sun.

 

TC: "Well the pills don't agree with me, I'm getting pins and needles in my arms. I've printed out the list of possible side effects and I'm going to see the occupational nurse."

 

SW: "The occupational nurse? Aren't you better off reading your star sign in the Sun to find out what's wrong?"

 

Mmmmm cakes

Contractor: "JH, I brought in some cakes for everyone this morning"

 

JH: "Oh, that's nice, I didn't know they were there."

 

RC overheard this: "Oh, er, yes, I've been so busy I er, forgot to, um, send the email round"

 

JH to contractor: "You want to watch this one, he'll eat them all if you're not careful."

 

RC is about 320lb.

Ooops

Upon seeing a five year old kid in a pushchair who was easily old enough to walk.

 

AN: "I sure hope that kid is disabled."  

Can you fix everything?

Customer: "Ah, hello Computer Helpdesk?"

 

GC: "Yes. How can I help you?"

 

Customer: "The lifts on the far end of the building aren't working. Can you send someone out to fix them?"

Flex

HA: "Did you miss me?"

PC: "I really missed your muscle!"

HA: "That's what all the ladies say."

 

HA and PC are colleagues. PC has back trouble and can't lift any PCs etc.

Personal space

Talking to the team about the use of pen drives.

JH: "If you are invading anyone's space with a device it's common courtesy to let them know when you are removing it."

Attention grabber

When asked by one of her new staff about how they should approach her for advice this was the reply.

JH: "If you really don't know what to do with it, come over to me and wave it in my face."

Mwaaa

Two guys having a chat in the office:

DB: "Stop being so homophobic."

GC: "I'm not homophobic. I like being kissed..."

Magical wireless networks

Visitor: "I'm having great problems getting onto your wireless network."

GC: "Everything seems to be OK on the network but I've just noticed you don't seem to have a wireless card in your laptop."

Visitor: Getting indignant now "Well I don't need one at home, I just plug in the wire and....oh!"

Sushi

Browsing a web page on how to make Sushi

GC: "I love Sushi, not sure about boiled octopus though..."
TS: "I can just imagine it being overcooked, it would taste rubbery."

Pause

TS: "No, no, I'm not making fun of the Japanese accent."