Keep digging

Trying to reassure NJ.

CN: "No seriously, that dress is lovely."

pause

CN: "It shows off all your bits."

pause

CN: "It's clinging on for dear life."

Must run in the family

GC: "I saw my brother's and it's quite small."

Coverage

MG: "What kind of satellite coverage do they get in Kilifi?"
PS: "I think you'll find satellite coverage is worldwide."
MB: "Yeah, they can get Sky."

Recruitment

An agency contacts GC about a possible contractor and describes the guys best quality as:

"Geeky on the inside, smooth on the outside."

Rating

TS visits an analyst, DL, who is working with two monitors, remote controlling a customers PC.

A desktop picture is of three girls in a restaurant.

TS: pointing to each girl in turn "Would, Would, Wouldn't!"

DL: "Err, do you mind, that girl just happens to be my girlfriend!"

The penny drops as TS realises he's looking at the local PC's desktop.

Marching on

Talking about NJ's preference for men with deep tans.

AN: "If you like orange men, you should go to Belfast on 12th July."
NJ: "Why?"
AN: "For the march of the Orange-men."
NJ: "Is that a gay parade?"

Competing

GC: "The sys dev team went running last week, they are getting fitter."

JH: "So you're going running today to keep up?"

GC: "Yes, need to keep fit. I'm worried if it came to a fight who would win, SysDev against CS."

JH: "Yep, we'd have a battle."

GC: "CS against Ops?"

JH: "Well, I know the outcome of that one - we would...lick...their...arses."

GC: shocked pause

JH: "...well, not literally."

References

CN details her previous work experience.

GH: "Why did you extend your contract?"

CN: "Well it keeps me off the streets."

Anti-thesis

Whilst listening to loud music outside the British Library.

GC: "They won't appreciate that in the library while they're trying to write their thesaurus…"

Messy

GC: "Hi, how are you? You seem to have a stain on your shirt."
PMcL: "That was from my plums... it's plum juice."

Bragging

TS: "Who do you think has a big custom dic?"

Warming up

Said to GC.

JH: "Once you've had your oats, I'll be ready for you."

Hands off

TC: "Don't go down my drawers without asking me."

Carry on

LE: "Mmmm, what I really want is stuffing!"

Comedy

At the comedy store during an improv session.

Phil Jupitus: "Name me a country."

Audience: "Montenegro."

Phil Jupitus: "OK, and something that the Montenegrons do?"

HA: "Have to deal with Serbians."

Audience: Sharp intake of breath.

Phil Jupitus: Adjusts collar "Tough crowd,...another suggestion?"

Smokin'

NR: "AH, you got a hot little arse!"

Subtle

Said to AH in a pub.
TSi had just sat next to her and started rubbing her back.

TSi: "I just wanna get laid by the end of the week. I don't care who it is, married or not."

Face to face

AH: "P, why don't you join Facebook so we can all chat online?"

PH: "I don't think my wife would be happy after what happened last time I did something like that. Three days of pleasure, three years of pain."

Default settings

AH: "Sorry, M, haven't had chance to reply to your email."
MSJ: "Don't worry, I can't remember what I asked you now, my brain resets itself every 10 days."

Topper returns

EO: "My osteopath said to me:
'E, you've not got the biggest back muscles I've ever seen. I had a trapeze artist in here once who was slightly bigger than you. But you're big.' "

Annoying contractor returns

AH: "Morning G, welcome back."
GG: winking "A! Looking gooooood, have you lost weight?"

Peacock

CN: "I like the way TS struts."

..and she's single now. Better watch out TS.

John's your uncle

GC: "You're all dressed in grey today. You look just like Bob Major."

TS: "Who? Who's Bob Major."

GC: "errrr……………..got to go……very busy."

Dumb and dumber

Whilst filling out an induction form for the 183 building, AN decides to copy the information from another person's form.

2 minutes later he realises that at the line where he should write his name he has written the other person's name (TS).

Freak weather

SA: "You had snow?"
SH: "Yeah."
SA: "What, on the ground?"

Topper

EO: "When I had the kebab shop, the arm wrestling world champion came into the shop and I beat him."

Tug of love

Talking about DFS Migration

SA: "How can we compare and pull off the information on permissions?"

"We bought a tool last year to pull off information."

"GH, do you have a tool we can use for pulling off?"

GH eyes closed, contented smile.

Smelly

MA was explaining the technicalities of the Unix NFS system, could not help make a note of a particular comment.

“You will need to sniff my ethereal dump.”

Toys

To SPN
AH: “Don’t be tempted to get it out and play with it while there’s no-one around.”

Woof

AH: "I'm a dog."

Clever

MSJ: "Hello, I'm working from home today and can't get into the system as my password's expired."

PC: "You need to reset your password and it needs to be made up of 8 characters."

MSJ: "OK, how about MENSA?"

PC: pause "Well that's only 5 characters."

MSJ: "Well, how about MENSA07?"

PC: pause "That's 7."

MSJ: "Oh."

Flushed

NJ: "I'm all about bowel movements."

Later that day.

NJ: "I try and go every morning, but sometimes I get the feeling I'm retaining."

Bootiful

Describing the rise and (probable) fall of Bernard Matthews

GC: "Did you know how he started out?"

S: "No."

GC: "He bought an incubator and 20 eggs, hatched them sold them… the rest is history."

S: "What? Did he just go to a supermarket and buy them then?"

Abba

During an IT training course.

DW (male): "I can't cycle at the moment because I've torn some ligaments in my knee. I'm having an operation next week."

Trainer: "Oh, yes, that happened to my wife."

DW: "Really? Well, I bet she wasn't doing what I was doing when I did mine."

Trainer: "Oh, what were you doing"?

DW: "Pole dancing."

Trainer: "Ok, let's get back to Agresso Report Writer..."

Orientation

GC: “CN, which way shall I put it in? Face up or face down?”

Liar, liar, pants on fire

AH: "You'd have to do more than just point your hose at it..."